Special

I will say: “yes, sir”
As you admonish me
And I will sacrifice
My dignity
And I promise to believe in
Every ugly word you speak
For maybe you will love me
If I submit, if I am meek.
I will present myself
To your hand,
I will tell you I am sorry
And that I understand.
I won’t ask you not to hurt me
For I know I have caused this pain.
Nor will I insult you with barren promises
That I’ll not anger you again.
I will bite my tongue,
I will hide my face
And try not to cry, as I shrink away
Into my silent place.
I will wait there
Until you beckon me
To stand before you – tiny
In cowed humility.
I know I am not forgiven –
I have not the audacity
To imagine that these few sharp blows
Were enough to absolve me.
I will be quiet
And I will be still
And steel myself to swallow
That most bitter pill –
I will thank you, sir,
For beating me
And for not tolerating
My wrongness, my stupidity –
I will thank you for your discipline,
I will thank you for your command
I will love you for each blow, each word –
Each biting reprimand.
I will beg you not to hate me,
And plead with you not to leave
And, knowing it comes at a price –
I will ask you for reprieve.
And so I will redeem myself
In the only way I can
And hope that in my prostitution
You will feel like a man.

SJL: 12th May, 2004